BFN After FET

Translation: Big Fat Negative After Frozen Embryo Transfer

05/26/23

Today was my beta testing day following my frozen embryo transfer. After 4 months of proper diet, no alcohol, endless doctor visits and acupuncture appointments, bottles upon bottles of vitamins, needles in my stomach, needles in my butt, needles in my arms, gallons of blood drawn, bill after bill after endless bill paid and - it was negative.

Since the process to have our 2nd child started back in January, I never had a doubt that this embryo wouldn’t stick. I knew it would. There was no question. It wasn’t until this past week, as I waited through the end of my 10 days that reality kicked in.

When I had Mila, I took a home pregnancy test (HPT) on day 6 following transfer. It was blindingly positive. I took one again on day 7. It was even darker. I went into my beta on day 10 without a worry. I was pregnant!

Day 6 - First Response

This time was MUCH different. In my excitement and anxiousness I took a test on day 6 (using First Response) but to my utter surprise, there was nothing. As a few more minutes wore on and I squinted, I could see it. There was a faint line. The experience had freaked me out but I told myself, “Don’t worry, it will be darker tomorrow on day 7 and that will make this so much better.” But on day 7, same result (another First Response). The faintest line. No darker. Potentially even lighter. I was spiraling. What did this mean? Was it leftover HcG from the Trigger shot I had taken 14 days prior? Good ol’ Google confirmed it was possible for HcG to remain detectable for up to 14 days. I had a Clear Blue test as well from my ovulation predictor kit (OPK) so I decided to use that one as well. It gave me a faint blue line. I don’t know how many articles and posts I read that “a line is a line” but for people going through IVF, that’s not always the case.

Day 7 - First Response & Clear Blue Tests

I figured, “OK, today is day 14 and I triggered at night so it will be a full 14 days by tonight. I’ll test again tomorrow.” So on day 8 I tested again (First Response). I wasn’t seeing anything. I was spiraling quickly. Finally, the lightest line (likely no one else could ever see it) appeared. I decided I wanted to do another Clear Blue but thought I was all out. Randomly, when opening another drawer, I found one! I checked the date - not expired. I tested immediately. Another faint blue line.

Day 8 - Clear Blue Tests

I didn’t know what to think. Part of me was thinking, “It’s day 15 and there’s a line. That must be a good thing.” The other part of me was saying, “These lines are all way too faint and haven’t ever gotten darker, that’s a bad sign.” I decided - no more testing. The beta was only 2 days away and I knew if I used a HPT on day 9 and saw nothing, I couldn’t handle it. So I waited.

My beta was on Friday (today - 5/26/23). I left my house at 6:30am to get to Beverly Hills for my blood test. I was there just after 7am and out of there by 7:15am. Now it was the waiting game.

I wanted to stay busy and distracted but it lingered in my mind the whole day. This was so different from my experience with Mila. The anxiety of the wait was killing me. I knew the call was to come around 1-2pm so I decided to mark my calendar ‘Busy’ at work so that no matter the outcome, I wouldn’t be required to be in a meeting or have any expectations. I was truly worried. Between 1-2pm I was pacing, picking things up around the house, just walking in circles practically. Johny suggested I sit down out on the patio and just try to relax, which I did. That lasted about 2 minutes when my phone rang - “SCRC” (our IVF clinic).

I answered immediately and it was my doctor. She said, “I’m so sorry Jenna but it’s negative.” I was shocked and not shocked at the same time. I hadn’t been confident for days and she confirmed my worries. She explained that she was surprised it didn’t take, as my hormone levels were great and my lining was great. The difference between this transfer and the last is that Mila was scored an “Excellent” embryo and the other 2 we had in reserve were scored as “Good.” But I had never in my wildest dreams thought that this wouldn’t work. If I did everything else correctly, the diet, the drinking, the rest, the acupuncture - that it would all work out great. But I was wrong.

I was in a haze during the call but she told me she’d like to do receptivity testing. In layman's terms, that means evaluating your endometrial receptivity using methods like ultrasound imaging, hormone measurements, or genetic analysis of the endometrial tissue to determine the optimal time for transferring a frozen embryo. 

When we did the FET with Mila, I underwent a Lupron medicated cycle. With this most recent embryo, we did a natural cycle where the transfer is performed during your natural menstrual cycle, without the use of hormonal medications to stimulate the ovaries. My doctor had indicated that since we had done Mila’s transfer, she has moved most patients to the natural cycle because of the vastly reduced chances of pre-eclampsia. But now I’m wondering if we had just done the medicated cycle again, would it have failed or would I be in a very different position now?

Of course, I can ask myself a million questions and think “what if?” a thousand different ways. But the reality is, it didn’t work and we only have one embryo left.

After I hung up the call with my doctor I broke down. I cried. A LOT. I had so many emotions. I felt defeated. After all I had done the past 4 months, it failed. I put my EVERYTHING into it. My time, my money, my emotions, my body, and so much energy. And it still wasn’t enough. I felt angry. I was ready for this phase to be over and move into the pregnancy phase. I had worked so hard for this and it didn’t even f**king work! I felt exhausted. All of this has been so much. I can’t even explain it. The time since January has felt like an eternity. It’s always so much waiting, so much driving back and forth to Beverly Hills for appointments, waking up at 5:30am just so I could get ready and still be able to handle the juggle of Johny getting ready and Mila waking up and getting ready for school. All the while, still trying to get to work and be energetic and help run a company with my 2 male partners. Hours spent at the acupuncture clinic (at least that was relaxing). I felt about 100 other feelings as well but those 3 really stuck out to me.

Since starting this blog, I’ve found that sitting down and just writing things out helps me to process it all. So through my tears, I started typing and it has honestly been therapeutic.

For anyone who has been through issues with fertility, I know you’ve asked yourself, “Why is this happening to ME?” We all do it. It feels so unfair. Others just seem to get pregnant, no problem! No drugs, no endless appointments, no thousands upon thousands of dollars spent. It just happens and it feels so unfair. In the moments I feel that way, I try and tell myself (at least now that I have Mila), “At least you were able to make it happen. You have Mila. She is your world and she is all you need..” And I know that’s true. But what is also true, is that I want another child. And that I have worked hard for it. My body has given so much and I feel like I deserve this, so why? Why is this happening to me?

Today is hard. Very hard. The hardest day I’ve had since finding out the only other pregnancy we had before Mila was a partial molar pregnancy and we lost it. I cried for days. At that time, I didn’t have another child. I felt hopeless. Today is not quite the same. It’s a hard day but I do have hope. I have hope our last embryo will work and if it doesn’t I know that I have my Mila and I worked very hard for her and now she is mine and I treasure her so deeply.

Today, I will cry. I will break my 4 month IVF diet streak and I will eat candy and probably ice cream and maybe even pizza. Then I will pick myself back up and I will start again. I have one last chance and I will give it my everything. 

If you are going through your own fertility journey, I feel for you. I know your pain. You are not alone. If you open up and start talking to others, you’ll discover just how many people around you are going through their own difficult journey and need someone to talk to. Someone that can relate. And their journey is probably very different from yours because this can happen in far too many ways. But we are strong and we are resilient and we have a bond that unites us. We help each other through these difficult times and then we celebrate the hell out of our wins! Please don’t give up. Not until you’re ready. If you have fight left in you, then keep fighting the fight.