My Journey With Fertility and IVF
For anyone who has had struggles with fertility, you know how agonizing and stressful it all can be. Our journey to parenthood started the moment we got married in July of 2016. We knew we wanted to start our family immediately but we certainly didn’t expect it to be 5 long, painful, exhausting and sometimes depressing, years. We spent nearly 2 years trying on our own, followed by 3 IUI’s, 1 partial molar pregnancy and D&C, several procedures, 2 rounds of egg retrieval, and 1 frozen embryo transfer later, we finally had our daughter.
Those 5 years were the hardest years of my life. I later counted the days and it was 1,599 days from the first day we started trying until the day we were finally pregnant. During that time, I thought about our child every single day and I don’t exaggerate. If you’ve never struggled with getting pregnant, you can’t imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you feel month after month. Every cycle started with hope, anticipation, nervousness. And as the end of my cycle approached there would be the occasional moment of excitement when I thought there was a chance it had happened. I’d take a pregnancy test and hang onto every ounce of hope I could muster, only to look down to a negative test and then crumble to the floor and cry. Or the deep disappointment and anger when I’d go to the bathroom and wipe only to find the toilet paper soaked in blood. I’d scream, hit something, drop my head into my hands and sob. Then I’d turn around a day or 2 later and find that hope once again. After months and months and months of the same, I felt hopeless, alone, desperate. Friends and family would continue to get pregnant and I’d do my best to show some level of excitement or joy for them. Then I’d get into my car and bawl my eyes out.
It took me some time before I finally turned to my doctor for help. Little did I know that I was stepping into another agonizing and seemingly never-ending journey. Unfortunately (but in reality - fortunately) our bodies go through cycles and the process of getting pregnant is truly limited to very few days within the 4-5 weeks of your cycle. It started with a slew of tests, but they all had to be timed to my cycle so weeks passed before anything was even happening. Then another cycle had to pass before I’d be able to start any sort of medicated treatment. We started with Clomid - a very popular method for stimulating your follicles to produce more eggs than you normally would, that would then release into your falopian tube and hopefully meet with some sperm that were strategically timed and manually inserted into your uterus by the doctor with the hopes that at least one of those eggs would be fertilized and then implant in your uterine lining. Lucky me was allergic to Clomid and the cycle wound up unsuccessful. The next cycle, we moved to Letrazole, which does the same job as Clomid. Thankfully, this time I wasn’t allergic and by some miracle, when I took the pregnancy test that cycle, it was positive! I couldn’t believe it! Sadly, the pregnancy only lasted until week 9 when we discovered I had a partial molar pregnancy. Now, what was meant to be my bundle of joy was actually turning into a bundle of cells that had the potential of turning into cancer. We immediately had a D&C and as you might imagine, I broke even harder than I had ever broken before. I cried for DAYS. I couldn’t stop. I felt completely hopeless and I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Following a partial molar pregnancy, you have to be monitored monthly to ensure there hadn’t been any cells left behind from the D&C that could potentially start developing into cancerous cells. And the terribly ironic fact is that the only way for them to tell whether or not there was any development of the cells is by testing for the exact same hormone as you do to test for pregnancy (HcG). So I wasn’t allowed to get pregnant, on purpose or by accident. It was the longest 6 months of my life. But we came out of it and hopped right back in with 2 more IUI cycles - both unsuccessful.
After the 3rd unsuccessful IUI, my doctor brought me to the reality that it was time to take things further and see an IVF doctor. I hadn’t let myself go there in the past. I couldn’t imagine going through it, affording it, or handling the disappointment if it didn’t work. But we knew this was our next best option and it had to be done. There was no way I was giving up on this baby.
We met Dr. Chang in January of 2020. We underwent some preliminary testing, she put me on a gazillion vitamins, and we started planning for my first cycle. I learned all about how to do the various different shots, how to mix medications, and all the things I should expect in the process. The delivery of a giant ice packed box of medications arrived and the door and I filled up an entire shelf of our refrigerator with boxes of IVF drugs. I was nervous. I hated needles and the thought of giving MYSELF a bunch of shots everyday freaked me out. But at the same time, I was excited. This might finally be the thing that would start our family. As the date approached, Covid-19 was beginning to spread quickly. We attended a wedding that weekend in Santa Barbara and I was scheduled to begin the medications that Monday. The entire weekend was filled with conversations about Covid-19 and things were really starting to get a bit scary. That Monday morning, I received a call from the Doctor. All patients who had not yet started their medications had to cease with all treatment until further notice. I was floored. Things were finally about to happen for us and yet another road bump was in our way. It would be 3 months until we were allowed to begin treatment.
The first IVF cycle resulted in the retrieval of 21 eggs! I was ecstatic. However, due to my history and the partial molar pregnancy - genetic testing of the embryos was a must. Once genetic testing was complete, we only had 1 viable embryo. If we wanted the 2 children that we had always dreamt of, we’d need more embryos. The doctor advised that in order to give us the best chances, I should do another retrieval now and not wait until later on down the road after we had our first child. We should do it while I was younger. By this time, I was already 37 years old. So we took the time and went through another cycle. That cycle resulted in the retrieval of 31 eggs! It was unheard of. But yet again, after genetic testing we wound up with only 2 viable embryos. But the good news is, we had enough to make our family. We had 3 viable embryos that could become our little Baby Pearson’s. We were ready.
They advised that I’d need to wait until my next period came naturally and then they’d begin the frozen embryo transfer process. I was thinking, “No problem. That will be like 4-5 weeks. Easy!” Boy was I wrong. My period decided to hold off for 3 months! As if all the prior waiting and delays weren’t enough, now my own body was doing it to me. Eventually, it came and we got started. There was a cycle of various drugs, starting with birth control pills. It was a nearly 2 month process to lead up to the actual embryo transfer. Finally, in November of 2020, we transferred our very best embryo (the one from our first IVF cycle). I was full of excitement and a lot of anticipation. They advise that you stay very relaxed for the 7-10 days following transfer. Ours was on a Friday so we had the weekend to start things out easy. I then took the entire week of work off and prepped myself with puzzles, adult coloring books, TV shows, and zero responsibilities. I didn’t cook meals or grocery shop or even think about anything that would normally annoy me or stress me out. I just gave myself the easiest week I could.
The doctors advise that you do not take a home pregnancy test and wait until you go in for the followup appointment to get a true, blood drawn, 100% accurate pregnancy test. But I couldn’t help myself. I had a friend who had also been going through it (she was on her 2nd child through IVF) and she told me she took her at home pregnancy test on day 6 and then daily following that. I considered it everyday following the transfer and on the morning of the 6th day I woke up and the first thought that came into my mind was, “Do I do it? Do I take a test?” I went into the bathroom while my husband was still sleeping and I stared at the pregnancy test, thinking about what to do. “Should I do it? What if it’s negative? It might be negative even if I am pregnant but my HcG levels just aren’t high enough yet. Will I be too disappointed? Will it kill me? Or do I just need to try and see??” I finally decided to just do it. I had taken MANY pregnancy tests in the past few years and I always sat and waited for the entire time to give that test an opportunity to show a positive. I was used to waiting that full 3-5 minutes. I sat on the toilet, held the stick into my stream of urine, put the cap back on and set it on the counter. I went to the sink and washed my hands and gave myself a look in the mirror. I couldn’t resist peering down to look. To my complete and total astonishment, it was already positive! There was no doubt, I had a positive pregnancy test. My heart exploded from my chest. I went out into the bedroom and said, “Honey, wake up. It happened. I’m pregnant!” Neither of us knew what to do. It just felt so unbelievable. After all the time, how could it have finally happened? It was unreal. I took another test every morning for the next 2 days just to be sure and I watched the line get darker each day. It was such a nice affirmation each day leading up to the doctor appointment. Of course, the official blood test confirmed our truth, and that’s when our journey with our little Mila Bear began.
If you are dealing with fertility issues and you are feeling hopeless, disappointed, exhausted, depressed, alone and scared - you are NOT alone. There are SO MANY women going through their own fertility journey and sharing our stories helps give us strength and hope. I am always open to being an open ear to others and being a source of support and empathy.
