The Emotional Rollercoaster of my Frozen Embryo Transfer Cycle
October 26, 2023
It has taken me a while to get to writing a new post. I thought I’d have lots of updates during my Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) cycle and lots of updates to my Instagram, but instead I’ve been rather quiet. I have struggled to find the right headspace to sit down and write. Although writing about my experience has been one of the more cathartic things I’ve been able to do for myself during the whole process this past 5 months, since our failed transfer - my feelings the past few weeks have been rather overwhelming.
During my FET with Mila and during the FET I had most recently back in May, I had been feeling super jazzed and really excited about the whole process. It’s hard to think back and clearly remember what I was going through during the IVF and FET process back in 2020 but I know I didn’t feel overly emotional or scared. I was thrilled at the fact that we were finally doing it and we finally had the opportunity to conceive! In May, I had taken for granted the process and had foolishly assumed that the embryo would take, just like our first one had. I was excited and ready! The letdown when we found out the embryo hadn’t implanted and we weren’t pregnant had shattered me.
This time around, I had assumed I’d be amped about it yet again but I was wrong. Granted - going through this process and pumping your body with hormones can lead to major emotional swings. But I wasn’t familiar with these emotions from the prior rounds. The initial birth control phase of the FET cycle (the first 19 days of this process) took over my body and my hormonal, mental state and I was an emotional mess. I was bursting into tears at every turn. One day in particular I was incredibly emotional. I was being triggered by seeing pregnant friends (a reminder of the days before IVF when the entire world seemed like they were getting pregnant around us) and it was beginning to feel very lonely again. When I went into my acupuncture appointment, I settled down on the bed and in the calm of the soft lights, the peaceful music and the soothing essential oils - I just let it all out. I needed to get it out. It was all building up inside of me and I was overflowing with emotion.
My acupuncturist came in to find me bawling and she offered some kind words and strength. I explained to her that it was coming from a place of fear. Simply the fear that it wouldn’t work again and then - that would be it. This is our last viable embryo. We have none left after this. And if it doesn’t work - I don’t know what I’ll do. I haven’t even allowed myself to go to a place where I think about what I’ll do. It’s not worth it. If this transfer does fail, I’ll have to deal with it then. But what I do know is that I’m tired. I don’t want to have to keep doing this and going through the physical, mental, and emotional agony that is IVF and dealing with infertility. It takes so much to keep pushing forward and after 9 months of dealing with it this year, on top of the YEARS of infertility woes we’ve been through, I just don’t want to be strong anymore. So anyway, that said - we won’t talk about what’s next unless we really have to.
My acupuncturist did remind me that a negative mindset would not help in this process. IVF doctors encourage you to limit stress during an embryo transfer cycle as studies show that stress can affect outcomes. It’s a little silly to think you can eliminate stress when going through one of the most stressful experiences of your life! But it doesn’t help to add onto it with additional external stress factors. I decided to cancel plans to baby showers, get together’s with pregnant friends, and any other engagements that didn’t support my mental state. It helped.
Since then, things have improved greatly, although I do have my moments and thinking about it too much makes me pretty upset. But I’m finding a way to feel positive about the process and I have the “cautiously optimistic” mindset that is always being encouraged.
Today I am 30 days into my cycle. I met with my doctor this morning and she said my “lining looks beautiful.” It’s measuring 9mm (they look for at least 8mm) in thickness - a nice cozy place for an embryo to lay down and snuggle up and IMPLANT! I return for another blood and ultrasound appointment tomorrow and will likely begin my progesterone at some point tomorrow with my transfer following 5 and a half days later (or ~130 hours based on the results of my ERA).
I finally feel excited. The moment we’ve been waiting for is nearly here and I’ve been doing all that I can to improve my chances.
Unlike my FET cycle back in May - I’m not taking this one for granted. I know the outcome can easily go either way so I am doing everything I possibly can to make this transfer a success. During my cycle in May I was much more lax about the whole experience. Less intentional, a little more loosey goosey about things. Not this time.
I’ve followed my meds and timing to a T, I’ve been intentional about all that I’m putting into my body and feeding it with foods that support an ideal uterus. I’ve been getting lots of rest and eliminating unnecessary stressors and extra work - just trying to take it easy. My husband has been incredibly understanding and supportive, taking on more of the childcare with Mila as well as tackling more household tasks and trying to keep things at home more lighthearted. It all helps. I will be posting more about the details of all of this in another post as a reference for anyone else going through the process who is looking for tips.
My transfer will likely happen on November 2, 2023 (date to be confirmed by doctor). Less than 1 week away. Then we find out our results within about 10 days. I intend on taking work off for those 10 days and truly limiting stress, limiting movement, doing things that make me happy and laugh (no murder documentaries that week!) and doing my very best to stay positive.
I plan on sharing more between now and the date of our beta test (the pregnancy test that determines whether the transfer was a success) and then of course, I will ultimately share the outcome of the transfer, whether good or bad. The whole reason I started blogging about this was to be open, be vulnerable, share the realities for those going through it and needing someone to relate to and also to let people (who may not understand what infertility and IVF are like) into our world and enlighten them to our reality so they can be better and more supportive friends, siblings, parents, husbands or wives. I wanted to create a place where anyone who feels alone can feel like they can reach out and find someone on the other end who can relate to them and show them support.
Just as I end all of my fertility posts - if you are someone going through your own fertility journey and you just need someone to hear you, someone to talk to who understands what you’re going through and can empathize with the rollercoaster of emotions - I am here. Don’t hesitate to reach out through my Contact page or DM me on Instagram.
